Looking for love

I started this post for the healing power of words and ended up in something philosophic also.

But what is really special about it… I really enjoyed the act of writing in Hungarian. Words were coming so naturally. But by the time I started to translate the Hungarian words to English, there were some parts where I just got stuck. I just didn’t feel them mine anymore. So, instead of translating, at some point I just let the words flow. Why would I break the flow?

I feel it important to mention at the very beginning that most of the things I am writing here cannot be considered as a general truth. Every single person have their own stories, they are just living a different chapter of their stories. I believe there is some general wisdom hidden in my lines, but the most general wisdom is something I heard from a very wise friend of mine: whatever you do is worthy for your acceptance. You were ready for that at that time. No need for feeding your self-judgement under any conditions. <3

So…

I started to write on the day when we had another day off school because of the police measurements around the verdict of a spiritual leader accused of sexual harassment. Another day when some romantic, nostalgic or erotic melodies were just enough to make me cry. Maybe I miss something I used to have once even if I didn’t feel it harmonious at that time. But of course there were perfect moments. Perfect moments we can often have. In a long-term relationship, in an occasional one or even when being alone.

What about me these days? Sometimes it feels so good when I don’t need to adapt to anyone that I feel maybe I will never be able to achieve this harmony with someone else. Maybe I should just let go even the last pinch of desire for a relationship and a family.

And sometimes I am just longing for love.

And what about occasional connections? Sometimes I find myself looking for the secure feeling of belonging to someone even in really short-term relationships. I cuddle with someone with whom I most probably only spend a night or a few days (and I am also aware of that while maintaining my inner harmony there is not even a chance for longer time). And in his arms I feel I am also embraced by the feeling that we belong together. And maybe it is not even an illusion, we belong together, just for a very short time. And there are things we are bringing along with us for long-term even from temporary connections. Once in a tantric workshop I have heard that If we have a sexual relationship with anyone, we share each other’s karma for seven years. A while ago I discovered something else too. I have been to situations when I realized that I don’t like the smell of my partner, while we were connected (in dance or sex). This is chemistry. I don’t know whether it is a trick of the senses, or a chemical reaction following the energetic connection and the karma-exchange but it occurred that a few days or weeks after the connection I realized the same smell on myself. Hmm…

And if we are lucky, we also bring along the teachings of the connection. Because all connections teach us something. Each connections help to reveal a part of ourselves.

One of my latest connections showed me that however much I have been practicing self-love, I still don’t respect myself. Self-respect in itself is a very nice topic:

Self-respect as a woman and occasional connections

The first question may be: Do I respect myself if I don’t give myself to someone about whom I know that his intentions are not serious or I just accept that sometimes my intentions are not serious either and I respect myself by treating myself well by yielding to my desires? I feel that in this question I say yes to the second option.

This is the straight translation of the words coming from me so naturally a few days ago. By now I don’t see it so clear. What happened in two days? While writing this post in English, I just became aware of that it was exactly one year ago that I met someone in a party in Hungary who played a very interesting role in my life. It was so obvious from the first moment that we are not for each other. What’s more, first I didn’t even like him. But at the end I found myself in a situation where a part of me (actually my hurt inner child) got quite obsessed with him. He represented everything about which as a child I used to think that I am not “good enough” for. And what a surprise, one of the main teachings of the connection with him was the same: I don’t respect myself enough.

And here comes the next question regarding self-respect: Can I respect myself while I am with someone who doesn’t respect me? Someone, who probably considers me like a yoni walking on two feet. I feel the answer is no. I respect myself by admitting that I deserve respect from others too. Of course it is not definitely my choice whether others respect me or not. But it is my choice to spend time with those who respect me. So, while still maintaining the intention to be not closed in a box of restrictions, I admit that time is precious….the time needed to realize whether my partner respects me or not and also to realize what is the driving force of the connection: something nice on an energetic level or my loneliness and my Ego waiting for positive feedback.

And what about self respect once we already yielded to our desire? What if we recognize it during the sexual intercourse that our taste is different? Or when we recognize that instead of just giving to each other something fed by the pleasure we are receiving, a kind of unnatural pushing appears. For performance. I wouldn’t call it completion. Well, I have found myself in situations like this a few times and I almost never told to stop. This is the point where I am ready to set up a strict rule to myself: to tell to stop. If I respect myself , it is never too late to say no. In very last moment before the intercourse or even during the intercourse, if the feeling of disharmony arrives then.

And what else did this recent connection show to me?

Addiction?

It showed to me that sometimes I can observe similar symptoms on myself like relating to some bad habits. E.g. before I would meet a man I decide I will not enter into a sexual intercourse wit him. Because I know that I will hurt someone who I really wouldn’t like to hurt or because I feel it is time to give space to self-love rather then involving others to give me the illusion of being loved. And it happened that as soon as that man showed up I knew I was lost. I convinced myself in a second that now I really deserve this handsome man, with the promise of so much pleasure. (just like when I am tempted by a cigarette). This is another point where I intend to change. Change in two ways: on the one hand, I accept that sometimes I really deserve so if the conditions are like that, I don’t even try to set up an intention like that. On the other hand, if I really feel that there is need for such an intention, I stick to it. And if to stick to my intention it is necessary that I don’t even give space for such a connection to evolve (e.g. when meeting a friend who I hardly know I don’t agree to stay at the friend’s place), then I will do like that. A part of me is in intense resistance when setting this intention because it feels like a huge limitation of freedom. And here comes the next teaching…

Sexual freedom and the limits

Sometimes I observe on myself that I am like a typical man before the wedding in Hollywood movies. A man, who is terrified by the fact that from now on he can be only with one woman. It is not like my wedding would be approaching. But a part of me longs for a monogamous relationship and is preparing for it. And this longing is working in me in two ways. On the one hand it suggests that if I really want this, it is time to give up a part of the freedom and give space to relationships of a different quality. On the other hand it suggests that if there is a chance that I will not be able o enjoy freedom for a long time, I should enjoy it as long as I can. Which is the right one. Definitely not the latter option in a pure way. Unnatural pushing is never good. But also not the way with strict limitations. Recently I often recall a teaching that I received from a friend during my travels. Don’t put yourself into a box, just stop sometimes to evaluate to see what you are doing is bringing you closer to your harmony or not…and the point is… that this evaluation should come not from the mind, but from the body. The wisdom of our body, which is telling us no thoughts and mind patterns but emotions. Real ones. And what is needed for being able to listen to our body? Most of all, silence. So let’s invite silence 🙂

And what about the connections with the opportunity of even long-term relationships..the main teaching is:

Non-attachment

For me non-attachment is kind of a synonym to the previous wisdom: “don’t put yourself into  box”. Relating to this, what is difficult for me: to avoid the desire for efficiency when entering into a new relationship. This desire keeps appearing on the scene and urges me to make a decision as soon as possible: can I imagine being together with my partner on a longer term too? If not, I need to end the relationship immediately. And if yes, let’s go. To make a decision in this matter is indeed needed in some cases. However, there are some cases, when forcing this decision is only working against non-attachment. It breaks that beautiful flow of exploring. The lesson is again to keep stopping and observing our harmony. Non-attahcment and harmony go hand in hand. Not only in relationships but also in general. And here I feel like arriving to the original question: single life or relationship? Maybe sometimes I wish for one an later for the other but the truth can be only one: continuously looking for harmony and practice non-attachment. If I live a life when I keep following my harmony, I can be sure that I will receive what I need to. So, again, le’s invite silence… and self-love…<3<3<3

This was the end of the original Hungarian post. But…by now…another day passed by…. I feel like adding something else…So believing in the concept of non-attachment, I will try to not get attached to the idea of finding a life partner, but also.. I feel it is time to at least give it a try to create space for other qualities in connections…so inviting silence, self-love and self-discipline in the woods of earthy temptations. Let’s s see what life is bringing to me in this path.

 

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