It was most probably my most difficult birthday of my life.
First of all because the weekly usual school holiday was on my birthday. And in the Punjabi countryside sometimes holidays are more difficult than school days. At school there are always some challenging situations, some frustration and anger but at least this much really nice, loveful experiences too. At home I feel a bit lost in looking for the balance between privacy and family life, which is made even more difficult by the total isolation of the head of my Punjabi family. I easily get stuck in the internet representing the outer world here, which is really heavy sometimes. After some time spent with chatting or browsing in the internet I find myself feeling like a zombie, just not that real zombie with the relaxed jaws but with tension in those jaws.
It was the first time that I couldn’t speak with my parents on my birthday. I guessed it would be like this because they are on holiday now, they don’t know my phone number and they are not flexible enough in the on-line world to sit into a internet cafe and contact me on facebook. But even if I expected this to come, felt heavy.
The mother of my Punjabi family was really sweet, I got a sleveless shirt (which is something very special in the home of Punjabi suits) and also a Punjabi Paranda (an ornament to the braids). But the father didn’t talk to me on this day either.
So, I was left with the facebook. Of course there I was greeted by so many people but under these circumstances facebook was something I expect to fulfill the emptiness in me, while I am aware that it is impossible. So it only remains a desperate experiment to catch my attention and smooth my raging Ego. There have been a few points which meant more for sure, e.g. some really lovely messages, a chat with an old friend bringing tears into my eyes. I even received a ‘Happy Birthday” song through the ether, since I was greeted with a song video by some sweet friends from Auroville. I am grateful for them and everyone who was thinking of me.
In the meantime for some reason I felt it just on my birthday that the time has come to tell a friend about something I did in the previous year of my life (not long ago). I knew that what I did, will make him very angry. No surprise. Still… although I knew what I did was not right, the things he told me while we kept fighting for hours in chat and e-mail, were bringing me very deep. Well, I made my friend angry with something which is a very hot topic for me too. A field, where I tend to judge myself the most, where I keep failing to practice “conscious flowing”. I just keep flowing without control and then judging it. It is probably not a big surprise that the topic is my sexuality. I could write so much about this topic but not here and now. The point is that it seems like I lost a friend and I exposed my ability to self-acceptance to a huge challenge. The good news is that I didn’t regret what I did. I feel it was teaching me a lot, also due to its consequences. And even along with the doubts and judgement gathering on the surface I feel some compassion with myself. And this is a great thing.
What else did my birthday teach me? Partly for fun…I opened my first coconut at home 🙂 My birthday also reminded me of how wonderful people are waiting for me at home. How much deeper, and more meaningful relationships I have at home then the ones with which I have been spending my time recently, in Punjab. Thanks for the home base. And of course thanks for everyone crossing my path, wherever it happened. Thanks for each and every teachings, words, thoughts or movements….
On my birthday I also had the chance to see how I am suffering, in an imagined helplessness. When I am blinded by the imagined helplessness so much that i even don’t spend time and energy on dancing for healing. But at the end maybe this is also appropriate. Why could we not have days when we are suffering? Maybe sometimes we need it. And if we are lucky, we are able to observe ourselves in the meantime and slowly slowly learn that all suffering is indeed only made up by the mind. And also, there is a bigger chance that the next day would bring us up high, flying to the sky. In my case it was like this.