Thank you Mata India – for teaching me honesty

A few weeks after I reached home, I renewed my whatsapp, in which I was logged with an Indian phone number, which doesn’t exist anymore. Using the old application again was also bringing some old friends into my life. Among others, a young gentleman who I met in April when I went to Auroville for the second time. The owner of the below feet, inbetween mine:-)

The name of the young gentleman has a bunch of meanings but the one which touched me the most was: “Shadow”. What was the meeting with Shadow bringing into my life?

I remember when I arrived in Auroville, I spent my first afternoon at a community devoted to reforestation (Sadhana Forest) where every Friday there was a promotional-guiding walk organized with a free dinner and a movie. By then I had spent my last  month mainly with Indian people, I had been the exotic foreigner and also I hadn’t had a closer relationship with anyone.  When I arrived at the walk, I was taken by the feeling that everyone around me is so international, so beautiful, so young and flirting so freely with the one walking next to her, while I am alone, older than the average, most probably uglier than the average and a bit angry while trying to refuse a middle-aged man who kept approaching to me.

Then a nice Indian gentleman appeared on the scene, with such a baby face. He was Shadow. While watching the movie (which was most probably the most boring educational movie on nature I have ever seen, I don’t even remember the topic), this baby-faced gentleman started to look into my eye from a distance and when I was washing my dishes after the dinner, he just appeared next to me and started to talk to me. It was the start of a really interesting talk, followed by a nice challenge of trust: is it OK to stay later than the bus taking us back to our accommodation after sunset and to trust that Shadow will be a gentleman to take me home?  At the end I decided to give trust to Shadow, who was taking me home appropriately after we jumped to his place too, where I had to stand on my feet to stop the kiss he gave me. But I could stand on my feet.

In the following days we spent quite a lot of time together. As we got to know each other more and more it started to come to light that the interesting young man was quite hurt emotionally in the past, like most of us. However, it also came to light that Shadow’s heritage from all these injuries was a great deal of fear surrounding him as a protecting and yet limiting wall. And he lived with this wall around in a way that he absolutely subordinated himself to people to whom he wanted to join with the hope of positive feedback or the feeling of belonging to someone. This pattern is also quite familiar to me. What’s more. This is a pattern I also have in me just I put quite a lot of energy to demolish those walls of fear and to be able not only to say it in theory that everyone is equal but also to practice this nice idea.

Nevertheless, the mirror held by Shadow was triggering so intense emotions that after a few days I realized that the time spent with him is sucking my energies and in the meantime I am unable to treat him with respect. I tried to avoid his company but with a moderate success only. Once we reached a point when I simply asked him to not contact me anymore because I am unable to maintain my harmony when I am with him and I am unable to treat him with respect. His answer was why he could not contact me or treat me well with a “good morning” and “good evening” message everyday. Why… Exactly for the reasons I already told him.

As I was repeating myself explaining why I don’t want to maintain a relationship with him, once he happened to say I am a monster. I was mature enough to say I accept that this is his perception and of course he has the right to feel anyhow about me. And he also has the right to express it. This is how our paths parted while I also knew that a few months later he would come to Europe. That time I told him that although I am unable to stay in regular contact with him, if he needs any help in the foreign continent, he can feel free to contact me. He contacted me in August but then I was still in India. After a few e-mails it seemed like we can maintain a relationship which is free and flexible enough, until I arrived home, in Hungary.

As soon as we were in the same continent again, he started to contact me more and more often and it didn’t matter that there was no reaction from my side at all. Then I reminded him again why our paths parted in India, emphasizing that I am aware that he is a good soul but I still feel unable to maintain my harmony when I am with him and to treat him with respect. Then he came with the most various excuses again. When he was just writing to me “I was not rude or abusive, why can I not write to you if it feels good”, I blocked him on whatsapp and FB messenger. I still didn’t feel calm. I didn’t know how I can block him on gmail. So I wrote him again what is going on in me and a bit later he replied that he understands. It was a bit of a relief but still not total peace.

I started to write this post. At some points I got uncertain again: was I really a monster in this relationship? Until I read my words again and I realized that not long ago I was in his role. I was the one forgetting about my self-esteem and subordinating myself to someone else. Although it was anything but easy for me too when in the middle of Nepal I was told that I was an energy vampire and I was boiling with anger for at least a day, looking for excuses to prove why the gentleman being so rawly honest with me was not right, I soon recognized what it is all about. His harmony was more important for me than my own one. And that’s it. From my point of view, it doesn’t really matter how he perceived this situation and how he communicated it to me. What is important me how I perceived this situation and how I felt about it. It was one of the biggest teachings of my journey. I am still grateful for the honesty. Don’t be afraid to be honest <3

 

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