Because I only write when I can write from my heart

I haven’t written from deep in my heart and soul for so long that by now I feel I am unable to start anything new until I give space to those healing words.

Where did I get stuck with writing? Somewhere in Nepal when I was traveling with the Malaysian photo-journalist who was teaching me so much about writing and everything needed for giving a chance to that writing becomes more than healing. But although I learnt a lot from him, in the relationship where he was my lover, my teacher, my father and my most honest critic, all in one person, my self esteem started to shrink crazy. Shrink to so small that I totally forgot about my own harmony during the weeks spent together. Our common adventure ended like he said he felt I was sucking his energies. I found myself in the role of an energy vampire. It was one of the biggest emotional challenges of my journey. But this is another story.

The point is that my injured self esteem was really not ready for diving into the world of social media, following the advice of the experienced photo-journalist. After sharing some short writings and some photos, I observed that I was waiting for those facebook notifications like everything would depend on the number of likes I receive. Whether I am good enough, whether I am lovable enough. And if I didn’t receive enough positive feedbacks, my body was taken by tension. And doubts… whether it makes sense to write more? And sometimes I heard a voice from deep inside: I didn’t start to write for facebook likes. I started to write to share. To give support by sharing. To give support to myself and to others. To anyone reading my lines, not depending on whether he/she likes my posts or not.

For a long time I was unable t write from deep within. I was only able to write a few lines accompanying the photos I shared. This situation was pretty frustrating in itself. And at the same time my fragile balance was receiving more and more slaps. The first slap was that the farm where I went with the intention to be alone and write, was turning to a guest house in the meantime, where after some days two more volunteers joined me. That’s all about being alone.

I also intended to spend the last month free from the bad habits following me on my travels. As opposed to it, when I arrived in Parvati Valley for the last time, first time after 8 months I tried the chillum (the big pipe used for smoking charaz) and when I arrived at the guesthouse (my last destination), first time in my life I became the exclusive owner of one tolla (10 grams of that world-famous charaz). That time I didn’t care about the plans. I felt it was time to financially contribute to that magical smoke. For 8 months I haven’t paid a penny for the plant with which at some places and some times I invited Shiva’s spirit. Although it was my own intention to buy and consume, accepting it was anything but easy. I felt guilty, again and again.

In addition to all this, as opposed to my original intentions, I also entered a relationship based on sexuality, about which I knew at the very beginning that had no future. And in which I totally gave up myself.

And of course starting from this, I directly reached a state of disappointment and self-punishment. I couldn’t believe that I am able to spend the last period of the 9-month journey with self-loathing.

What was my support in this situation? Mother Earth spreading her grace around us, the meditative daily household works and Rosa, the dog who showed my every day that the key to happiness is to live our nature freely. And the inner voice reminding me of acceptance. And Shiva, who also supported me with acceptance, in the form of that magical smoke.

And if there is acceptance, there is happiness.

If there is acceptance, I notice that in a relationship where I give up myself, I can practice how it feels to give without expectations, from the heart. The connection, which started so nice, continued with my partner starting to keep a distance, while my attachment and my pain was increasing. This relationship was at least as much about the Ego as much about the heart. But still, once I reached a point where I could give him a massage when I was holding back my sexual energies and didn’t even try to seduce him, respecting that he loves someone else, it filled up my heart. I am grateful for this experience.

If there is acceptance, I find joy in the situation where although as opposed to my original plans I don’t have too much time to be alone and write, but my instead I could meet so wonderful people, I could practice cooking and practice how I can manage living in the Himalayas, proving wrong my childhood pattern of being a clumsy little girl, from day to day.

If there is acceptance, I admit that if I can consume that plant in a way that I respect my body, it is really not so terrible that I sacrifice on the altar of this passion in the last month I spend in India. Knowing that in Hungary I would have no chance to enjoy a similar experience. But relating to this, the real acceptance arrived after I reached home, where I realized that I am able to say no to anything smoking. This is how it happened that after 9 months when my primary dope was not the alcohol I could finish my first party without smoking, with 2 cl vodka and cc 2 liters of water.

And I was waiting with writing until the time came. Namaste <3

 

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